Devotional versus Transactional Relationships
Relationes Devotionales contra Transactionales
Modern romantic relationships are screwed up. This is not surprising when you consider the systematic attacks on the family unit over the last sixty years, and going back even longer. Men today are devoid of trust in women, are insecure, and overcompensate by wielding like a battleaxe awful behaviors that are claimed to be of a ‘red pill mindset’, ignorant of the fact that red pill philosophy was based on observable truth, not merely used as an excuse to condone ugly behavior.
Women are hysterical about their own bodies, extremely susceptible to deliberately misleading propaganda regarding their life choices, and frequently maginalised if they attempt to form a family and have more than two children. Both men and women are encouraged to commit sins against the 6th commandment by a culture that has for generations normalised extra-marital sexual relations. Apparently birth rates are in rapid decline. It’s a mystery.
The critical issue is that what was known and accepted as common wisdom concerning romantic relationships by our forefathers has been mostly forgotten today. I hope in this essay to be able to clarify the great confusion at the heart of modern romantic relationships, although I have no doubt that I will have to expand upon these points in the future.
Relationships are either transactional or devotional. Modern relationships are overwhelmingly of the transactional nature, so I will discuss these types of relationships first. A transactional relationship is inherently selfish in nature. Each party enters into the relationship because of something that they want to get out of it. The term sexual marketplace is not inaccurate. Such a relationship is inherently material. There is little to no spiritual element involved, even if the couple in question might frequent a religious organisation.
In a transactional relationship, there may be feeling, infatuation, compatibility (or lack thereof), companionship, but at the core it’s all about me. “What am I getting out of this?” is the question each partner is quietly, continually, asking themselves. A successful relationship is one where both parties have worked it out so that each person is getting something out of it; but it lasts only as long as this state of affairs continues. Does the other person help me feel good, achieve my goals, climb the mighty pyramid of my own self-actualization? If there is a conflict with the holy image of self then the relationship is sacrificed without hesitation, perhaps even with a feeling of nobility and the praise of those surrounding - “I just wasn’t my best self in that relationship.”
Thus, in a transactional relationship there is no security. You are always at the mercy of the transactional nature of the agreement becoming no longer attractive or relevant to the other party. When that happens then the relationship will end. It can come without any warning, literally from one day to the next. All of the modern invention of relationship counseling is built around a transactional framework. You see this often, as but one example, when couples go in for therapy to improve their sex life. The sex life is inevitably poor because the transaction is no longer appealing to one of the two people present.
The classic red pill movement of the period from around 2008 - 2020, when much of the great material was produced, particularly from the big three of Roosh, Roissy and Rollo, was all based entirely on transactional relationships. For that reason, all of that material is true, relevant, and accurate for transactional relationships. It is not relevant in any way for devotional relationships.
This article at Sigma Game is a good example of advice meant for transactional relationships. In the typical transactional relationship there is a lack of trust and a subsequent lack of loyalty. Both parties to the transaction will be insecure and their behavior will reflect that underlying instability.
Orion Taraban, (I have trouble believing that is a real name), is a current seller of red pill concepts repackaged to make them more palatable for a wider audience. His video titled, Good Transactions are Invisible acts on the principle that all relationships are transactional but the valuable ones hide the ugly transactions from sight. For Taraban, a good relationship is defined as two people functionally pursuing their own self-interest; as long as each gets what they want then the transaction is termed to be invisible. Taraban states that all relationships are transactional either because his business model depends on it or because this is the limit of his knowledge on the subject.
The very great majority of information published on relationships, whether it be books, videos, podcasts, forums, discussion boards, or call in radio, is completely concerned with transactional relationships. Due to this overwhelming bias towards the discussion of transactional relationships, the reality for almost everyone is that a relationship by default is of this type. It doesn’t help that the comparatively few couples who enjoy a devotional relationship feel no need to discuss or publicise their relationships, partly due to the fact that they have no need of any assistance, but mostly due to an absence of any desire to share their private lives. There is also the matter of not wishing to place pearls before swine.
So now I will examine what makes up a devotional relationship. The first thing should be obvious in its terminology. To devote means to give. As opposed to the egotistical and selfish approach of the transactional relationship where each person attempts to take what they can in varying levels. Giving without any expectation of getting anything back then results in receiving when both people are devotional.
But a devotional relationship begins with a genuine devotion to God and to living a life in His image. Without this bedrock of genuine, lived and practiced faith then a relationship will always end up transactional even if perhaps it did not start out that way. A devotional relationship is a marriage before God for life.
When you devote yourself to someone then you want the very best for them. You want them to be blessed. You want them to grow and to become the best person that they can be, entirely for their own sake, not for what you may benefit from it. Above all, you want that person to grow closer towards God, and if there is anything that you most want to receive it is that they will propel you to move closer to God.
In the transactional world, love means desire. “I love you” means “I want you.” It’s inherently selfish, and at best the other person can feel complimented to be desired. In a devotional relationship, love means willing the good of the other person. Even if that is opposed to what you might personally, selfishly want - their good is your highest priority. This then becomes your deepest joy. Desire comes into it too, but the desire to have, to possess, to taste and enjoy the other person is subordinate to the desire that they would be well, be happy, thrive and be blessed. Ideally the two flow seamlessly together, but if the desire to have the other person has to be sacrificed because it is not what is best for them, then that is what will be done.
In order to give freely and effectively you need to be the best iteration of your current self. For one example, giving does not mean a man throwing himself at a woman and running behind her like a dog with its tongue out; this is merely a desperate form of leeching off someone, which is itself an unattractive dependency.
You do need to have your material world in order. As a man you need to be healthy, and take care of your body, and have interests and pursuits that help define you, as well as be in the process of or having conquered the known world. As a woman you also need to be healthy, and take care of your body, and most importantly not have fallen for the pretty lies of the modern world which try to tempt you into believing that as a women you are defined by what you have achieved not who you are.
But most importantly you need to be spiritually healthy and strong, to be robust and resilient in the face of fear, and to to be actively working on growing your virtues, quelling your vices, and examining yourself on a daily basis in a constant attempt to identify and eliminate sin from your life.
Such a person will have an overflow of spirit, an abundance which will enable them to nourish the other person through the strength of their devotion. It is this type of devotion that grows over time, enabling the marriage to grow stronger and stronger, more intimate in its power and possession, more free in the surrender of its two components each to the other, an upward spiral of giving that as he gives she glorifies what he gives, and so gives to him and glorifies him, and so it goes until death do them part, and until they hopefully will both be reunited before God
A devotional relationship is an ordered relationship. A transactional relationship is inherently disordered. One takes little effort and promises a few short term rewards. The other takes effort to achieve but holds out rewards that seem impossible to the mind polluted with modern falsehoods. The risk averse individual flees from the vulnerability present in a devotional relationship, but ironically it is in a transactional relationship where a person is most at risk from great harm.
When I speak of ordered or disordered I mean before God. It is to Him that I will turn at the end of this essay. It is He
that makes all good, beautiful and true things possible. And if any of the words that I have written here are valuable it is to His glory alone that any praise is due.